When my husband came home one evening to a less than happy family, he set me aside and said, “Honey, why don’t you take time and go visit your mom? Or spend a weekend in London. Whatever you want to do, I support it.” I knew that eventually, he’d realize that I needed a break, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt guilty that I needed to recharge as a stay-at-home mom.
I certainly wasn’t going to leave my husband to take care of the kids, when the whole purpose of us being in the UK is to support his career. There was no way he could manage the school run without totally disrupting his travel schedule. Instead, I thanked him for the generous offer and reassured him things would be better the next day.
I carried on thinking, “I got this”. But now I know, I really didn’t. I was holding it all together but it wasn’t without impatience, exhaustion or edginess. All three which can lead to bad mom moments. I was functioning like a robot. Going through the motions and routine of a stay-at-home mom. But how could I be so unsatisfied?
I left my career behind to move abroad, support the hubs career and be a stay-at-home mom. I was finally able to try something I had been yearning to do for so many years. So, why was I feeling empty and beyond frustrated every time I picked up my kids’ socks off the couch?
I have more time than I ever had before with the kids, which is truly such a blessing. My days of wondering “what-if” are over so it’s no longer an excuse. But man is being a stay-at-home mom hard. The school runs, school activities, housework, homework, dinner time, bath time and between all of that managing the bickering and balance of it all between 2 kids testing their own independence. Exhausting.
In addition to that, my husband has always traveled for work. That’s the one constant between the US and UK. It’s not new for me to play both mom and dad roles or take care of it all for 1 to 2 weeks straight. But as a stay-at-home mom I wonder how I used to do it all as a working mom with my long work days, school functions, football schedule, dance practice, homework, house chores and late evenings with my laptop and a glass of wine. Somehow I managed it all then, but now it feels heavier than I remember it ever being.
Not long ago a major but simple breakthrough happened.
An opportunity presented itself to go out to dinner with an old friend visiting from LA. I was super excited. A night out! The hubs would be in town and we could have a date night, which hasn’t happened since we moved to the UK 8 months ago.
My husband was completely on board, so for the first time in several months, I started looking for a babysitter. The only times we had previously booked a sitter was for parent nights at the school, so getting a sitter was still fairly nerve-wracking. The kids had sitters only 4 times over 8 months time, so date night was a big deal.
It was all planned but then suddenly my husband had to leave town again. I started to question if I should go. The guilt started to swarm in on me. How could I possibly go to London by myself on a Wednesday night? First off, I hadn’t done it before alone. Secondly, should I really be spending the money for something like this just on myself? After all, I’m not bringing home a paycheck anymore. Should I just bail and wait for an opportunity when the hubs and I could do it together since getting a sitter is such an ordeal?
I hesitated but after some convincing from my husband, I decided to go. The babysitter was booked, the restaurant was confirmed and my friend was planning on it. As the hubs said, “You are with the kids 24×7. Go. Have fun. Enjoy yourself.”
So I went. Nervous. It was my first nighttime train to London alone. I didn’t know exactly where I was going but I was determined to stay true to the plan. And it went…fabulous.
I found my way there and my friend without a hitch. Iconic location. Fantastic meal. Pinot Noir. Great conversation. I finally felt like myself which I hadn’t in a long time.
I felt so re-energized on the way home from dinner and the next day. I was elated. Refreshed. Full of energy and excited to be home and with the kids again. It made me realize what had been bothering me all along.
I wasn’t taking time for me. I wasn’t taking time to enjoy my own identity and recharge. I was doing everything for everyone else, but nothing for myself.
My career had made me feel significant because it was my thing. It wasn’t my husband’s thing, or my kid’s thing, or a house thing. It was MY thing. And for some reason being a stay-at-home mom made me believe that I didn’t have the right to take time for me or acknowledge my own identity. I was doing what I thought I should be doing, but neglecting to recognize what made me, well, me.
Somehow all the change in my life to move overseas to support the hubs career and be a stay-at-home mom had left me feeling as though I didn’t deserve to take time for myself. My purpose was 100% on taking care of the family now and anything short of that made me feel guilty.
I had forgotten how important taking time to recharge mattered. And that enjoying the things that made me happy would, in fact, be healing for me. Going for months on end without a break isn’t good for anyone, particularly with massive amounts of life change weaved in. I had been missing out on my independence. I was mentally exhausted and unhappy. I hadn’t taken time for me.
I know I won’t be going out every Wednesday or week for that matter. But you can guarantee I’ll take time for myself when I know I’m close to my limits and need a little Lori identity recharge. And now I know it’s not only good for me but for my family. I simply cannot exist for my kids. I need to take time for me, just as they need to take time away from me, too.
So, if you’re feeling burnt out, on edge and drained from the day-to-day, it’s time for you to take a break. Whatever it is can wait. It is OK. Your family will be happy you did it.
It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it does have to be for you and you have to make the most of it. It’s hard letting go of the routine to do something just for you, but once you do it, it’ll be like leaving the gym after nearly talking yourself out of going in the first place. And then you feel recharged and energized to jump back in and be better than you were the day before. So, go for it. You need time, too.