Trailing Spouse: Why It’s Rubbish & What To Do About It

What does trailing spouse mean? Well, it’s hard to not quickly form an opinion or assume without knowing its true meaning. I personally didn’t research the phrase until a relative sent me a link to a trailing spouse article that referenced every aspect of what I went through the first 6 months after moving abroad with my family.

While the content of the article resonated and validated for me that I did all the right things to prevent long-term depression, the nasty trailing spouse phrase irked me.

What Trailing Spouse Means

Similar to the connotation an expat wife phrase might suggest, per Wikipedia:

A trailing spouse is used to describe a person who follows his or her life partner to another city because of a work assignment, most often associated with an expatriate assignment.

So, yes, per the Wikipedia description, I certainly fit the bill.

But as one might conclude, being openly referred to as the trailing spouse or even the idea of being called one is obviously not going to sit well with any expat who’s moved abroad.

Regardless of its intent, the trailing spouse phrase sends an immediate negative connotation. Trailing by definition means:

1. draw or be drawn along behind someone or something.
2. walk or move slowly or wearily.
3. follow (a person or animal) by using marks or scent left behind.
4. be losing to an opponent in a game or contest.
5. give advance publicity to (a film, broadcast, or proposal).
6. apply (slip) through a nozzle or spout to decorate ceramic ware.

Aside from the last 2 definitions which seem irrelevant, trailing isn’t exactly how I would describe any human being willing to pick up and leave their whole life behind to move to a new country for a better one.

I particularly enjoy the 3rd one. I’ll have to tell that one to my husband who’ll certainly find it hilarious. Like we need to give our spouse any more reason to crop-dust!

The Reality Of A Trailing Spouse

So, what gives with defining the spouse that isn’t the trigger for an expat assignment such a crappy name? I suppose it’s more gender neutral since now it could be the husband or the wife that prompts an expat assignment. Or that some Big Bang Theory professors got in a room and were socially inept at defining this heroic role into something far more charming. And don’t get me wrong, I love Sheldon but we all know he’s not someone you’d want to invite over for afternoon tea.

Nevertheless, it’s the term. And sadly, the depression ramifications as described by Ayilah Chaudhary are real. I know because I felt them first hand shortly after moving to England. The kids were off to school, the husband was already half-way across the globe, and I had a whole lot of uncertainty on my hands. With a career left behind and no friends, finding your way in a new country can be a pretty dark place.

Feelings of loneliness with no identity or purpose can escalate quickly to depression – if you let it.

I personally struggled for a while, just as Ayilah Chaudhary indicates. No one really tells you how hard the change will be. You know that moving abroad for an expat assignment will challenge you but when you’re finally in it, you don’t realize how significant your independence meant until you lose it.

And ‘trailing spouse’ just magnifies it.

Trailing Spouse Depression Happens

The first couple of months after moving to England I busied myself around our super small short-let flat, which was ridiculous because we had a weekly cleaner. I’d order groceries online because I was too petrified to drive and was clueless about British grocery stores, among other things. Trust me, going from Texas-sized grocery stores to small market ones where it takes 3 different stores to complete one shopping list takes getting used to. (But you can read more about my fun British grocery shopping journey here.)

LinkedIn consumed me as working was all I knew to do and had defined me for 20+ years, but I found myself jealous of others’ career promotions and the lack of mine. I had resentment for my husband leaving so quickly. And the fear of almost everything new was overwhelming.

But, I also knew those feelings couldn’t define me – at least not forever. I wouldn’t let them.

I spent time brainstorming and wondering what the heck I was going to do with myself. The voices in my head were conflicted and sending me in so many directions, none of which felt right. I thought for sure I needed to continue on with my career but that came with its own set of consequences that I knew would fuel other family challenges.

Rather than wonder and feel like total crap, I kicked myself into high gear. I phone interviewed for a job which ultimately became clear to me as a test of whether to stay home or return to corporate life. And once I had that answer, I was able to clear the fog a little bit more every day until I knew what I wanted to do for myself, for my family, and with this rare expatriate assignment.

And that might be you, too. You might not be sure yet what you want to do with this newfound freedom and situation. Heck, you might be having a hard time getting out of bed or even your pajamas.

Moving abroad as the ‘trailing spouse’, ‘plus one’, ‘expat wife’ or whatever the heck people have chosen to refer to us as is hard. Whether it’s the first expat assignment or the 100th, it’s still starting over. And starting over is hard for anyone. But it takes guts to do it.

Why A Trailing Spouse Is Nothing Short Of Heroic

More than just following a scent which is totally ridiculous, the so-called trailing spouse gives blood, sweat, and tears to make this sort of life change work. Not everyone is willing to move abroad. But you and me…we did.

And yeah, it’s natural to get lost at first and feel alone. Certainly, I did. But I got up. I found my inner spark and motivation to snap out of it and start doing something about the expat opportunity so I’d have no regrets. I created a schedule for myself and I created my own ways of holding myself accountable.

And the hilarious thing is, no matter what the situation, a trailing spouse leads. We blaze the way for our partner and family to make an expatriate assignment work. It just takes some reminders of how freaking talented and authoritative we are to create an experience that very few people get to try.

Odds are as a ‘trailing spouse’, you:

• Safely take the kids to school and back every day.
• Manage house affairs. International ones, too!
• Handle finances and all the crazy exchange rate math.
• Figure out weekly meals, the shopping, make it and then clean up after, too.
• Learn a new language and take the lead on putting in a restaurant order.
• Say hello to anyone that makes eye contact with you in an effort to make new friends.
• Sign up for classes that you most likely loathe but do whatever it takes to help create a social life for you and the family.
• Observe the locals like mad in an effort to fit in and learn the culture.
• Remember birthdays both near and far away.
• Organize the best family vacations your family has ever experienced.
• Is on a first name basis with the dry cleaners…

Do I need to go on? I mean, let’s face it. Without the trailing spouse, the family would be a hot mess.

Because the thing is, we are the farthest thing from trailing anything.

Blazing Is More Like It

So if the term trailing spouse irks you as it does me or you’re still fighting your way through the omg-what-did-we-do fog, use that energy to self-motivate you to kick ‘trailing’ in the pants. After all, who gets a second chance to reinvent themselves?

Start by giving yourself credit for making it this far.  Remind yourself that you are already doing incredible things.  Then:

• Create the life you want to live.
• Pursue a hobby, passion, or ambition you never previously could but now can.
• Create your own schedule, and stick to it just like you would for any job.
• Build your tribe. Find people you connect with for support.
• Define your own life and who you are. Don’t let ‘trailing spouse’ rubbish define you.

Because, us expat spouses…we trail no one. We lead.  We blaze.

So to the Bang Bang Theory professor(s) who clearly misunderstood that we are in fact as heroic as a Marvel character can be, if you need to call us by something other than expat or simply our first name, a trailblazing spouse will do. Join in this revolution here #trailblazingspouse and let’s change this misnomer for good. 💪🏻

p.s. If you want to know more about my story, be sure to check me out and sign up for the newsletter for a regular dose of expat motivation.  Or go straight to my moving workbook that literally tells all on “how to do England” and how I came to love it.

Looking for more expat life resources?  Try these.

• 10 Ways to Meet New People (And Make Good Friends)
• Find The Answer: A Stay-at-Home Mom vs Career Test
• Expat Wife: 5 Steps That Led To My Acceptance