It’s been nearly two years since we left Texas and moved to England, and while I’d like to tell everyone that getting settled abroad is glamorous and easy, the truth is it’s really hard. And not just for me, the expat wife, but especially for my third culture kids. Time does help a child settle abroad, but what you actively do to help a child adjust to life abroad is what will make all the difference.
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Not All Kids Will Adjust To Life Abroad The Same
When asked by an acquaintance, “Are the kids settled here?” I hesitate. Not because I don’t think my kids aren’t happy but because they’ve settled abroad differently in their own way. And still are.
My 7-year-old daughter moved to England when she was 5 and is as happy as could be. She has a British accent, British friends, and rarely refers to Texas. But because others know she’s American she is regularly asked if she misses home. Naturally, she’ll think about her Texas best friend and the backyard pool, but she doesn’t wallow for long.
My 9-year-old son moved abroad when he was 8. Adjusting to life abroad has been a lot more difficult for him. Making friendships, learning new sports, giving up old sports, and finding connections with similar boys in the neighborhood have been ongoing struggles. Even for this extroverted almost 10-year-old expat kid who’s moved twice now, getting settled has been hard. If you ask him if he misses America, he might downright cry.
Carol, an expat life mentor, from ExpatChild.com says:
“Once the child goes to school full-time, things can get a little trickier. By the age of eight, a child is developing a much greater sense of ‘self’…Many expat parents I have spoken to tell me they experienced more difficulties if they moved countries when their child reached aged 9 – 10 years old.
Friends and supporters of your move abroad decision will tell you that children are resilient and they’ll be fine. And yes, they will eventually be fine but there’s far more to it than telling a child to simply carry on.
When You Realize Raising Expat Kids Takes More
I assumed that my kids would adjust living in a different country fairly quickly since the language is (nearly) the same and the UK is not extremely different from living in the USA. But it’s everything else that’s different that makes getting settled hard for a young person; like a dad who travels more than ever before, how to maneuver the landscape of different sports when the favorite isn’t an option anymore or why your American Xbox won’t work.
These seemingly small things can play a huge part in a child’s progress to feel settled living abroad.
Part of me is thankful Fornite doesn’t work on our American Xbox system in the UK, but the other part of me wants to buy a new one for our son. It seems unnecessary but the reality is it’s those types of everyday things for kids that get out of whack after moving abroad that can help a child adjust to life abroad.
9 Tips To Help An Expat Kid Settle To Life Abroad
While I did some things right to ease the move abroad for the kids, I know that I could have done a lot more those first 12 months raising expat kids (read How Long It Takes To Get Settled). I know now that words of encouragement, like “You’re so brave” and “I’m so proud of you”, are not enough for children over 5.
As an expat mom who’s been through it and with guidance from Raising Global Nomads, here are 9 tips to help your third culture kids adjust to life abroad.
1 – Keep In Contact With Friends Left Behind
Although living day-to-day with reliance on old friends and the former life can be equally unhealthy, establishing a method for your child to continue friendships with friends left behind is important.
Expat kids need to know that friendships can carry on. This is especially important for the third culture kid who moves regularly. If a child doesn’t try to carry on a friendship despite the distance, it will influence their ability to have a relationship with others as an adult.
Technology makes staying in touch easy. Between writing and calling, encourage time for your child to talk to friends they’ve left or about to leave behind. Encouraging your child to stay in touch is essential for raising expat kids.
2 – Discuss The “Where are you from?” Conversation
While this may be less of an issue for a child under 8, it can be awkward for a child that’s moved a lot when they are repeatedly asked, “Where are you from?”.
There’s no right or wrong answer. If your child was born in one state, spent several years in another, lives somewhere new now, but stays somewhere else on return home visits, it can get downright confusing and awkward.
The new country might not feel like home, but neither does the old one. Feeling caught between two worlds doesn’t only impact adults; it can hit young children, too.
Talk to your child about where they call “home” and let them know you support their sentiment either way.
3 – Give Them Some Slack
Though expat kids should follow the rules, give them some slack. They are going through emotions that they most likely don’t know how to express. This results in rule-breaking, possibly naughty behavior, and a side you may have never previously seen.
You might be struggling with setting into your new role abroad, too. Moving abroad is a lot of work so going straight into raising expat kids struggling to settle abroad can leave you feeling deflated, guilty, and on edge. That can make for quick tempers and situations you and your kids don’t know how to handle. While you’re processing your own grief trying to figure out life as an expat, realize that the kids are likely doing the same, too.
Give them space to express themselves. Choose battles worth fighting over. Let a few things slide that you normally wouldn’t.
4 – Establish Familiarity
Establish familiarity right away in the new home. Set up and decorate bedrooms with all their old belongings. If you were hoping to get rid of that blankey she’s been dragging around for years, now is not the time to toss it.
Setup the house as best you can similar to the way it was before moving abroad, including what side of the car they kept their car seats.
Those familiarities provide a sense of security and calm. Establishing familiarity will help an expat kid settle more quickly to living abroad.
5 – Keep To Old Routines
Despite the adventures, experiences, and opportunity of a new culture to excite any travel enthusiast, it’s the practical things that help an expat child settle. As exhilarating as it is for the parent to start checking off the fresh bucket list, hit the pause button.
This is probably one of my own worse habits raising expat kids. With social media highlighting the best of everything, FOMO can sometimes influence the best of intentions. But too much too fast can simply be too much for an expat child to settle. For parents raising expat kids, balance eagerness to explore life abroad with family traditions.
Incorporate old routines into expat life for children. Certain meals/traditions of the week, Friday night takeouts, hobbies, game night, and Sunday rituals – keep them all going. They all count and provide a sense of familiarity and “home” to the children, reinforcing that it’ll all be ok. Not everything has to be different. (Read 8 Homesickness Tips For Kids.)
6 – Stay Home To Help An Expat Kid Settle
As hard as it may or may not be, stay home. For the trailing spouse (read Trailing Spouse: Why It’s Rubbish & What To Do About It), it might be inevitable because a support network hasn’t been built yet.
But if you’ve moved to a country where there are a lot of social expectations from the career that moved you in the first place, there can be pressure to leave the kids to attend those functions which might require hiring a babysitter service. This means another new stranger for the child to cope with.
Or perhaps it’s the opposite. A partner who isn’t home much because traveling is a core part of their job function.
Personally, this is where our own family struggles. Dad travels 50% of the time. (It’s really more like 75% but trying to be generous here since he feels bad about how much time he’s away.)
With only one parent at home, this can further sadden or frustrate a child. More pressure on the parent left at home and fewer people to lean on makes it harder for the kids to feel good about their new life normal.
So, if it’s possible to stay home, stay home. And when you can’t, make it count.
7 – Host Sleepovers
While continuing friendships with those left behind, it’s equally important to create new ones. You can help your child adjust to life abroad in this way by hosting playdates and sleepovers. But ask the child first!
Raising expat kids requires a tremendous amount of listening and two-way communication. Don’t assume to know what your child wants or needs for friendships. Talk to him or her first and make some suggestions. But once you do that, follow through on it.
This can be tough for busy families who rarely have alone time together, but it’s important for the child to make new friendships so that they can start feeling like they belong and less lonely. Sometimes it’s the sleepover that assists the friendship breakthrough!
8 – Remind Them What’s To Be Gained
Expat kids tend to be more mature because they’ve experienced more, exposed to more cultures, and therefore open-minded about the world. While it’s important to let them adjust at their own pace, continue to remind them what’s to be gained.
For a child under 5, this might not make sense, but as time goes by they will begin to realize that the life they are living is unique. (Warning, the uniqueness aspect can lead an expat kid to a sense of entitlement.)
My 7-year-old daughter can convince her older brother to do things because she realizes the value of her British school and the fun things she’s been privileged to do as an expat kid. Not always 100% but enough to remind me that she “gets it”. That understanding sparks an interest to partake in new things and recognizing the “good things” about living abroad.
9 – Give Them More Of Your Time
Despite how busy it might be sorting out boxes, learning where to shop, or how to change a light bulb, give the kids more of your time. The gift of your time might be the easiest parenting move you can make to help a child adjust to life abroad. I’m personally guilty of having my nose in my computer or mobile phone more than I should. Tell your kids to call you out on it if it helps.
Make an effort asking them what their favorite part of their day was, what could have been better and what you can to do help.
You might not be able to ship their best friend abroad, but a lot of love, hugs, and ice cream helps.
Recap On How To Help An Expat Child Adjust To Life Abroad
To recap how to help an expat kid settle abroad, keep in contact with friends left behind, discuss the “where are you from?” question, give them some slack, establish familiarity, keep old routines, stay home, host sleepovers, remind them what’s to be gained and lastly, give the child more of your time. And when all else fails, go for ice cream. 😊
Looking for more expat life resources? Try these.
- How To Keep An Expat Kid Humble
- 11 Awesome Gifts For Expat Kids
- Moving abroad? Manage your move with my MOVING ABROAD CHECKLIST
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