Moving alone is hard. Moving abroad with kids? Really freaking hard, but worth it! It’s hard enough to keep yourself balanced that first year living abroad, but the reality is you have to. Your new expat kids’ need parenting now more than ever after a move abroad.
So how do you help your new expat kids stay humble with all the change, travel and even perks that expat families get to experience?
Though moving abroad with kids is a tremendous amount of work, do it! They will be more alert, geographically away, mature and high achieving kids as a result of it. There will be “moments” and apologies on more than one occasion, but you can do this and your kids can, too.
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Follow these 3 simple ways to help your new expat kid stay humble the first year living abroad.
1 – Avoid Unnecessary Rewards Out Of Your Own Guilt
It’s not hard to overdo it. After all, the kids typically have little say in the matter about whether or not mom and dad are going to move the family abroad or not. While their feelings may still be heard, the truth is, most parents will decide for the family. And if you have a tween or teenager on your hand, it might not go over that well.
For our own family of four, the decision about whether or not to move to London hindered less on our children’s concern about moving and more about extended family health issues. Nevertheless, our 7-year-old son at the time was okay about moving as long as he could keep playing football.
Football in England? Of course!
What we didn’t tell him though was that it wasn’t the same American football he loves. He doesn’t remember those details now, but I certainly felt the guilt, frustration, and exasperation about moving abroad that led me to buy a lot of treats and even McDonald’s the first couple of months living in the UK, which my kids rarely got to even have in the States.
The issue with doing that is that the kids start to expect rewards…regularly. They start to anticipate M&Ms, lollipops, Match Attax or whatever toy they ask for at the Saturday market just because. And it doesn’t take long for it to become a habit if it goes on too long. They might start to whine, ask “why not?”, and simply behave like naughty children.
And then it hits you why. You’ve probably overdone it.
Rather than the kids feeling settled and establishing roots, they have a heightened sense of self-worth and entitlement because they’ve been receiving all this special attention.
We all succumb to the occasional treat, and cave during moments of weakness to fix a problem. And after a move abroad when everything is unfamiliar, the honeymoon phase is over, and reality starts to set in, we start to feel guilt over, “What have we done?” And possibly wonder if there is any way to go back!
But this too will pass and before you know it, your new life abroad will be fluid and back to normal again. So avoid unnecessary rewards for the kids out of your own guilt. The kids only need you at this time to feel safe and grounded, not the treat. Besides, they really do love you more than Haribo.
2 – Teach The Difference Between Special & Privileged
Continuing on the theme of overdoing it, I’m just going to say it because I can…expat kids aren’t special. They really aren’t. They are simply, privileged.
This notion about expat kids struck a chord with me when I read about special vs privileged in Robin Pascoe’s, “Raising Global Nomads”. And it hit me because I think I’ve been trying to convince myself for years that my kids are just normal kids.
But the truth is, they aren’t.
Expat kids get to do things most normal kids don’t. They get to explore and live outside their own country as a result of mom or dad’s career that took them there. And it can become a slippery slope when they repeatedly ride the expat perks along the way.
Expat kids, or third culture kids, get to explore the world in ways most kids don’t. They go everywhere, live everywhere and receive better education as a result of the worldly experiences they collect.
It’s so important to teach your kids the difference between special and privileged as early as possible. So many kids these days seem entitled to just deserve this or that when it takes hard work to achieve status.
You don’t just receive because you are.
Both my husband and I worked in high school, through college, and independently climbed the corporate ladder until we met, started a family, and then he convinced me to move abroad. Now you know where that landed me – a pretty good situation really. A former career-focused woman turned expat wife and mom who left corporate life behind to be her own boss on her own time. My kids always wanted me to pick them up from school and now I can.
But what we want our kids to understand and learn early on, which is what we pound in them over and over again (in the nicest way!), is that all the fun and worldly things they get to experience is because they are very privileged kids. Not special.
When they complain about flying coach we remind them that the first time I rode business class on a plane was when I was in my 30s. Or that if they are bored by the idea of exploring a new castle on the weekend we remind them that other than Cinderella’s Castle at Disney World, they have zero chance of visiting a real castle in the States. And if they start to complain about a weekend away in Europe we remind them that they’ve been able to see more than most people quadruple their age….
The point is, we frequently reinforce that being an expat kid is an opportunity of a lifetime – for anyone, let alone someone under the age of 10.
Expat life is not normal and it has a fixed start and end date….so make the most of it before it’s gone.
It might sound harsh or too mature to say to children but to keep your kids’ grounded communication is essential, even at an early age. It’s important for third culture kids to understand the difference between special and privileged so that they don’t feel entitled. If they learn this lesson, they will ask for less, be more humble and the day repatriation comes will be less of a shock.
Help your new kids understand the difference so that they learn to be aware, grateful and excited with each new opportunity as an expat kid.
3 – Assign House Chores & Other Responsibilities
Every move abroad is different, but I can declare getting assigned to London does not come with a live-in housekeeper. At least ours didn’t. In fact, because the UK is so expensive to live, we have no housekeeper at all. That’s something I gave up leaving Texas.
With no independent income coming in anymore, the idea of hiring a housekeeper on top of how expensive overall English living is makes housekeeping an official mom chore. In fact, when we first moved in, that’s all I really knew how to do. I’m not going to lie, I do it well and love a clean house. Joanna Gaines, HGTV and everything related is a bit of a passion of mine. So it wasn’t hard to do….till I realized I had turned into Margarita (my former amazing housekeeper in Texas).
As soon as you realize you’ve officially become the person that picks up every little thing after every person or animal all day long every day of the week you start to turn a little resentful, as good at it as you may be. After all, you didn’t get those college degrees to vacuum every day.
The last thing I wanted to do was compound my kids sense of entitlement.
First I’m buying them McDonald’s like we own stock, then I’m making their beds??? No way. What happened to me?
It didn’t take too long for me to realize my own way of getting settled living abroad wasn’t going to work. That’s when I pivoted and realized my role modeling method wasn’t fully working to my own or my kids’ advantage.
I started teaching the kids that even though mommy is no longer a corporate mom, it doesn’t mean mommy does everything for them. Though I take care of the big things, every family member has a duty to maintain the house. And role modeling applies to everything from work ethic to developing self-respect. The easiest parental toolkit in the book!
A little responsibility can go a long way for expat kids. Get the kids to make their own beds, which I highly suggest they do first thing in the morning (read here for why). Give them specific responsibilities that they manage on their own, and what days they have to be completed.
Kids might not be able to work, but they can certainly volunteer, babysit and have house chores. And before you or they know it, it’ll help create balance for them, too.
Final Thoughts On How To Keep Expat Kids Humble
Are you rooted yet? If you’re not, that’s ok.
Planting new roots and routine takes time, 6 months to a year, to adjust to living abroad and getting through the phases of culture shock. The transition won’t be perfect along the way, but there are 3 simple things you can do to help create stability for your expat kids: avoid unnecessary rewards out of guilt, teach them the difference between special and privileged, and assign house responsibilities for your kids.
Incorporate these easy parental tools into everyday life at home and witness how they help your kids stay grounded while living abroad.
What’s worked to help keep your expat kids humble while living abroad?
Looking for more resources about living abroad? Try these.
- 12 Must-Have Books for Kids Moving to London
- An Expat Move: Phases and Time to Feel Settled
- Tips To Survive The First Year Living Somewhere New
- Moving abroad? Download the moving abroad checklist.
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