When the expat move opportunity was only an early idea, I started to worry about what my parents would say and how my Dad would react. I realized then that we were entering a league that only former expats could answer.
“How did you decide if moving overseas was right for you and your family?”
The logistics and life changes alone are massive, but the impact on the extended family is pretty big, too. A different country, longer flights, and frequencies to visit family and friends would all potentially change. But how could one possibly say no?
Current/former expats and could-have-been-expats shared their stories of similar opportunities. I heard so many varying degrees of reason:
“We couldn’t pass up the opportunity for our children.”
“Best thing we’ve done in our life.”
“If I could do it again, I’d sign up today.”
“The whole family wasn’t on board.”
“I couldn’t leave my parents. They need me.”
You can imagine who fell in which camp. I have never met a person that completed an expat assignment and said, “Worse mistake of my life. Should have never done it.” That alone is reassuring when faced with such a life-changing decision.
After secretly polling select friends, we felt fairly confident that we fell in the “we’re going camp”. We were still very concerned about how my Dad would handle the move, but the benefits of living abroad and learning a new culture were hard to ignore. Besides, how else would we ever get the courage to do something this amazing for our family? My dad might be upset at first, but what could he possibly say or do to convince us it was a bad idea? After all, the UK is only 1 non-stop flight away.
With uncertainty in our minds, my husband and I waited to share our secret.
We certainly didn’t want to spin anyone up in the event it didn’t happen and we didn’t need the extra stress. And truth be told, I was nervous as hell and not really sure about it. Moving overseas felt overwhelming and scary, not to mention the feelings of disappointment, disproval, pleads of “don’t go”, and the kids’ reaction was all hefty concerns.
But it wasn’t any of those things that slowed us down from pursuing the expat deal. The real unexpected factor that influenced whether we would move overseas or not hit us just a couple weeks before the official expat offer. It was the “C” word.
Cancer.
You’ve probably said at some point in your life, “That’s not me. I won’t get that. My family won’t get that. I’m safe.” I know because that’s what I did. I certainly never imagined that cancer would be part of our expat decision.
On June 14th, 2017 my mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma cancer. A day that I’ll always remember because my world froze. This could not be happening to my mom. She’s a superhero. A role model. A meme. A wife. A sister. A mom. MY mom.
The hubs and I didn’t know what to do. We started to consider turning down the expat assignment and carry on in Texas so that we would be closer to Maine to support Mom and Dad. How could we possibly move overseas now? What would we do if something happened?
We put the expat topic aside and I quickly flew to Maine which happened to be on Father’s Day. I can’t remember the last time I spent Father’s Day with my Dad. It was a special moment and quiet embrace outside the airport. After all, I was there because of mom’s cancer.
The first couple of days were spent getting me up to speed on the details of Mom’s pain and all that the two of them had endured arriving at the diagnosis. I knew that she wasn’t well, but not to the extent that they shared until I was there in person. My own secret of possibly moving overseas felt so silly now. It was so small in comparison.
That week I took Mom to her first radiation appointment. We didn’t realize that the oncologist would be meeting with her to give follow-up information, otherwise, Dad would have gone.
I soon realized I had a very special purpose that day.
The doctor told her they found 2 more spots. The words, “not curable….4-12 years….but you can still live a good life…” still ring in my ears. It was awful. This was the moment that my mom, the toughest cookie I know, broke down.
“But I won’t see my grandkids get married.”
That’s what she said.
I had to swallow the tears that welled up in the back of my throat. I had to be strong for her. I needed to say something to comfort her or at least say something encouraging. She needed strength, not a weeping daughter. So, that’s what I did.
I asked the questions. I took notes. I comforted her as best I could. I let her talk the entire hour drive home. I helped her tell my dad. I gave them their moment together.
Those first few days were tough but I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. We had moments of deep sadness but also moments of laughter and happiness. My mom gained strength as the days passed during my visit. Clearly, the radiation was working, but I also knew being there was a distraction which helped both parents through a difficult accepting period.
My daily calls to my husband were entirely about Mom. How’s she doing? How’s your Dad doing? He never once asked me about my feelings of an expat move now, or pressure to discuss the opportunity with my parents.
For me, it just happened.
It might have been impulsive and selfish on my part, but I found the strength during this difficult time to share the expat opportunity with my parents. It was something to be happy about when everything else felt so finite.
The time together with my Mom and Dad made me realize the expat assignment would give me more flexibility and time to truly support them however they needed – creatively, spiritually and physically. My corporate job was never going to be flexible enough to just leave on a moments notice and be gone for weeks as I wanted throughout a year.
Trust me, I did it scared. As the words started to leave my mouth I got nervous and felt anxiety develop as I waited for my Dad’s reaction. Somehow the courage just took over and I spelled out all the details of my husband’s pending offer to move the family to the UK for a couple of years.
And you know what? They were fully supportive and excited for the opportunity it would offer their grandchildren, my husband, and for me to be a stay-at-home mom. They said it was time. And more surprising was that they would visit.
It was something to look forward to – a destiny, a positive outlook, a reason to travel Europe and not be afraid.
They didn’t say “No, please don’t go. We need you here.” They were pushing me forward. It was the complete opposite outlook I had imagined. I never felt more support from them then than any other move I’ve made in my life.
I understand that not everyone’s decision circumstances are the same. For me, it was my mom’s cancer. Sure, there were loads of other emotions and concerns that had me on the fence, but underneath it all, I was more concerned about the regret of not going and wondering “what if” than going and hating it.
The time in Maine made me realize that life is too short to not take risks. It was time for me to do something different, to have flexibility, to be an active part of the family, and to be brave and bold in this unexpected journey called life.
I didn’t think I could possibly leave my Mom or accept what had happened to her. I know that now because I’m several months into accepting my mom’s condition. I can say the “C” word now (well, sort of…it’s not easy) because I need to be accepting of it, learn what she’s going through and be the best damn daughter I can be to support her despite the Atlantic Ocean between us.
The ocean seems narrower than the distance we had when I was in the states, giving proof that my the expat journey has brought us closer than further apart.
Fear of the unknown or long distance from family and friends could be your own reasons for not taking chances on an expat move. It was almost mine, but I can attest that this change has offered me more time to talk, write and learn about my Mom and Dad than any other time my life has offered. You can still be present from a distance. You don’t have to stay still. It’s ultimately your decision. Do what’s right for you. Poll whoever you need to, but in your heart and time, you’ll know.
When people ask me now how we decided, my response is simple: “Mom”.
What’s yours?