Have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing and putting in more time in the office than at home? Worrying that you may regret not spending time with your children while they were still little and actually like being around you? For me, I had those pangs of guilt every day on the way to the office. It was an ongoing tug-of-war. When things felt soaring at work, I felt like I was failing at home and vice versa. It was simply a debate I couldn’t win and a real struggle I dealt with on a daily basis until I put myself through a stay-at-home mom vs career test.
Transition From Career Mom To Expat Mom
When the opportunity arose to move to the UK as expats, I finally had a legitimate reason to leave the career behind and give the stay-at-home mom role a chance. But you know what? I became really unsure. It wasn’t until the stay-at-home mom vs career test that I finally knew what to do.
First off, this stay-at-home mom vs career test only applies if you are in between jobs or in a situation that affords you the choice of not having to work. Since I had left my job to move abroad to support my husband’s career, you could say that I was “in between”. Even though I struggled with the stay-at-home mom vs. working mom debate for years, now that I had the freedom to decide, I really didn’t know if I could be anything but a working mom.
Once we arrived in the UK and the chaos of moving overseas was over, I felt lost (literally!), unimportant, and became unsure of the idea of not working. My issue seemed less about being nervous about a stay-at-home mom and more about not feeling successful in my career, as selfish as that sounds.
LinkedIn emails from my colleagues’ success, career progression, or articles began to consume me. I filled my free time with internet time, and a fair amount catching up on what my peers were up to. I didn’t help the situation by opting into LinkedIn job notifications. Even though the struggle and desire to try to be a stay-at-home mom was right at my fingertips, seeing articles or posts on my peers’ made me feel like I had failed in some way.
What made the adjustment even more difficult was my husband’s work schedule. He traveled nearly every week immediately following our big relocation from the states. He wasn’t around to understand the transition and change I was going through and therefore didn’t have much compassion for my struggle. He didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. After all, he gave me the opportunity to leave without needing an excuse anymore to try something different. From his perspective, “This is what you wanted. I thought that this would finally give you the break you deserve. You can finally be with the kids. Why can’t you just be happy?”
But it was unfamiliar to me. Everything was unfamiliar. I lacked purpose. My chaotic work days turned fairly calm, and as good as that sounds, I don’t function without productivity. Aside from deciding what time to go to the gym or British snacks to pack for the kids, things were pretty easy in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t know what to think or how to use my new found freedom. It felt awkward, wrong and unfair. Surely I had to work.
So, I turned to LinkedIn for answers.
When Uncertainty Leads To Actions
The LinkedIn job notifications were coming in from dreamy companies: Amazon, Burberry, Selfridges, Facebook…I could go on. Digital career opportunities in London are endless. A booming hotspot for innovation labs and growth. So many more interesting and leading companies than I had been surrounded by in years. It seemed crazy to not at least explore them.
I didn’t really think through my next set of actions. I couldn’t help myself and updated my profile so that at least it’d be clear that I was unemployed and residing in the UK. Harmless, right?
Not long after that LinkedIn profile update, I was contacted. It was for a big position working for a Home Depot-like company, under a new female leader looking for similar talent to join her team.
I figured a little conversation can’t hurt. The hubs will never know what I’m up to. Besides, it’s always good to keep up the interview skills. I can’t stop improving myself just because I’m a stay-at-home mom.
But the phone interview went well. Too well. The hiring team requested round 2 for 2 days later. I said “Yes”.
As soon as the call ended, the interview started to sink in. “What have I done?”
Suppressing all the thoughts going around in my head, I read through the follow-up materials the company sent me. It was a big job. A great job actually – a jump from where I had left with a lot more responsibility working directly for the Chief Digital Officer. It’d look fantastic on my resume.
I pondered all night about the call and the next interview, questioning if this was what I really wanted. And for me, it wasn’t.
The interview had been the test. A stay-at-home mom vs career test that taught me what I knew I wanted and where my next step would be – at home with my family.
Wonder No More
I notified the company immediately the next morning and informed them that I was pulling out. Though the opportunity was fantastic, I simply wasn’t ready. I had made a mistake and was sorry for wasting their time.
They never responded back to me and I simply don’t blame them. But you know what? I stopped wondering after that.
I knew where I was supposed to be and stopped my infatuation with LinkedIn alerts, job notifications, and Google Maps for finding out the commute time.
My decision was clear and a happy, grateful one. Perhaps this sounds spoiled or downright ridiculous when so many working moms would do anything to leave their job behind to be with their kids, but when you’ve worked at your career your whole life, leaving it without looking back is hard. It takes time to adjust, be comfortable in your new situation, and identify with your new purpose.
I simply hadn’t given myself enough time. For me, I needed this stay-at-home mom vs career test to help me confirm whether to work or not to work. It was a test of low risk and completely worth it because I no longer have doubt. I’m sure that if it had gone the other way, it would have been a tough conversation with the hubs, but if it was what I really wanted, we would have worked through it to find a way to make it possible.
So, if you’re not so sure either, then be sure to first give yourself more time. And when I say more time, at least more than 1-2 months. Then if you’re still uncertain, then test yourself. Don’t do it if you are simply looking for a pat on the back. I truly was struggling with not working and genuinely unsure if staying at home was right for me and my family.
But, if you relate to this struggle and need help with determining your path, then make yourself available so companies can find you or you find them. Do that first interview but don’t go too far, particularly if that first call is enough to answer the stay-at-home mom doubt you carry.
The Stay-at-Home Mom vs Career Test:
1 – Update your LinkedIn profile.
2 – Take either an aggressive or passive approach to interview. Contact a hiring manager of interest or simply wait until you are contacted first.
3 – Complete a phone interview.
4 – STOP and ask yourself these 3 questions:
- Did the phone interview pass without a single thought about your family? No
- Did you have no regret or guilt that you pursued the interview? No
- Would you be OK if you never had the chance again to be a stay-at-home mom? No
If you answered “No” to any of the questions in step 4, then pause on pursuing next steps with the hiring company. And if you answered “No” to all 3, then you know the answer to your inner debate. It’s time to be that stay-at-home mom.
If you answered “Yes” to all 3, then discuss with your partner before you move on. Make sure you’re both on the same page before you take the interview to the next level.
How I’m Doing Now As a Stay-At-Home Expat Mom
I haven’t been working for 9 months now, and I don’t think twice about not pursuing my career at this time. My only regret is that it took me so much time and a test to figure it out. But, the good news is, I did. Now I’m not wasting time wondering “what if?” Or carrying resentment. I’m still finding my way, but I’m grateful for my stay-at-home mom opportunity for however long it lasts.
So, stop beating yourself up and get an answer to your daily debate of whether to work or be a stay-at-home mom. Give the low-risk stay-at-home mom vs career test a try, and finally, end the tug-of-war you feel on a daily basis. You’re missing out if you don’t!
Update 2025: 7 years later and still the best decision ever. I don’t live in England anymore, but my mindset about this hasn’t changed. One of the best growth outcomes I never imagined when we decided to move abroad.
Looking for more expat life resources? Try these.
- Trailing Spouse: Why It’s Rubbish & What To Do About It
- Expat Moms: Why You Need A Selfish Girls Trip
- Tips For Expats Finding A Job In The UK
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