Expat Wife: 5 Steps That Lead To Happiness

It’s been over two years since I became an expat wife and wow, what a transformation. I struggled with my identity for months, wondering if I could possibly be worthy without my career. In fact, LinkedIn was my obsession and I even went so far as phone interviews within the first 6 weeks of moving abroad.

But now? Trailing spouse isn’t even a consideration anymore.

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What To Expect As A New Expat Wife

My acceptance didn’t happen overnight. Nope. In fact, I had to go through phases and various struggles to get there. After all, it’s a major change.

Moving abroad is huge but if you couple it with leaving a career at the same time, it can be paralyzing. At least it felt that way for me.

If this is where you are, these are the things that helped me get past the expat wife identity crisis and not just start owning the opportunity, but loving it, too. ❤️

The Expat Wife Struggle

Here are 5 expat wife struggles we all go through and what to do about them.

1 – When you realize you’re a housewife

It’s massively demotivating going from an extremely fast-paced full-time well-paid career to a sudden:

OMG, I’m at home now doing school runs, 3 loads of laundry a day, vacuuming, dusting like a fiend…What the heck happened to me?

I honestly couldn’t go from where I was in my career to identifying myself as a “houseperson”….which by the way is how Heathrow identified my occupation (I left blank on the form because I wasn’t ready to accept my reality) when I went through customs. 😜

Being called a “houseperson” wasn’t how I imagined my identity and I knew I wasn’t going to make it if I allowed it to continue that way.  I still remember that moment like it was yesterday.

The truth is, it went on for months. And it certainly didn’t help my OCD problem because living in a 300-year-old home means dusting over and over in a single day. LinkedIn…cleaning…LinkedIn….cleaning….and pretty much back and forth all day till it was time to get the kids again.

I felt confused, had resentment (to be honest), and was unsure of my future and mental health as an expat wife.

Reading Raising Global Nomads helped me cope and realize that all the icky feelings are common amongst expats who’ve been left alone to figure out how to start over – literally in every way. And that crying or drinking a glass of wine at 5pm is totally normal. 🤣

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2 – When I decided to give the expat wife at home thing a try

I tinkered with the idea of getting a job but after that job interview just 6 weeks into our move, I had a serious wake-up call. (Read my SAHM test for more on that job interview if you’re considering the same.)

It was the first signal that I was throwing away this very rare opportunity to be my own boss and actually spend time on things that mattered far more than anything else.

Plus the risk factor of working in a foreign country makes it a hard sell to yourself and your spouse when the scales tip the cons in their favor: tax implications, complicated childcare, interference with the sponsor company, bucket list sacrifices, and shortage of time-off to name a few.

3 – Plan your time the same as a full-time job

I started planning. Seriously.

I’ve always been a planner so this expat wife thing wasn’t going to change that despite the fact I wasn’t employed by someone else. Thankfully I was able to turn to that habit rather quickly.

If you’re having trouble creating a new habit, this book is a great resource and one I reflect upon often when I don’t want to get out of bed. 🤣

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A plan helps establish purpose and focus to accomplish a goal – no matter how small or big that goal may be. More importantly, it helps establish self-importance and significance when self-doubt leaves you feeling worthless.  Suddenly you have things you have to do!

Writing it down makes it real and more difficult to forget. I started with a daily planner page (FREE for aBroad purpose members here).

To manage weeks at a time, along with a monthly view, I searched and searched until I found a journal that was right for me. It needs to be lightweight for my tote bag and with a spiral to make it easy to write on without the crease.

Plus, I like to tuck a pen inside the spiral since it’s easier to find in a tote bag amongst snacks, tissues and all the other expat mom things. Another reason to not give me excuses to not create a plan.

Surprisingly enough, I found the perfect lightweight but totally functional journal at Matalan for only £5 (sorry, it’s sold out but put a reminder in your diary to buy it in December).  My other favorite option is the spiral planner by Eccolo.

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My daily planner page and journal go with me everywhere.

And at the beginning of every new year, I set goals that describe what I want to accomplish, how I’ll accomplish them, and when I’ll complete them. It sorta looks like this after filling it out and revisiting it every few months.

(also FREE for aBroad purpose members here)

I can’t say I crushed my goals this year, but it’s been a framework to give me focus and purpose when self-doubt creeps in. And besides, the year isn’t over yet.

4 – Create a routine that’s not just doing the laundry

Once you start writing plans and goals down, it’s time to start creating action. This is where a routine falls into place.

For me, it literally started with just going to the gym. Drop off the kids, go to the gym, run errands, and then focus time on me. Yup! Me. 🙋🏼‍♀️

The exercise alone does my mind wonders but the routine gives me permission to set the days I’ll clean the house so that I’m not cleaning all of the time.

With the exception of making the bed, keeping the kitchen clean (dirty dishes are gross), and required laundry (2 kids!), everything else goes on a schedule so that I’m not driving myself mad and feeling like housekeeping responsibilities are more important than anything else. 🧹

Because when you think about it? They really aren’t.

The kids need you for after-school activities, the family has a bucket list to conquer, the family across the miles needs you, special projects wouldn’t happen without you (renovation projects, volunteering, etc) and you have your own goals (blogging, fitness, skill development, etc).

Somewhere in the midst of all that the toilets will get cleaned, but it’s not #1. At least not #1 when you don’t have house guests. And only #2s are really what drive the toilet cleaning anyway!  Sorry, it was just too easy to go there. 💩😂

Focus time allows me to decide what days I’ll clean bathrooms, dust etc, and work on special projects I have – like this blog.

For more on what it’s like cleaning a 300+ old house in England, read English Home Demystified: 5 British House Chores You Can’t Ignore.

5 – Give yourself permission

I know this part is hard. It really is.

I’ve never had to rely on anyone financially. I don’t like it. But it’s a process.  And it definitely takes time.

Talking through this part of the expat wife change is hard. Hearing myself say it out loud to my husband sucks. It’s just this innate belief I’ve had about myself forever – to be 100% financially independent.

Prior to moving abroad, I was financially independent with the freedom to buy what I want without hesitation, so this part of my expat wife journey is honestly the hardest.

Habits had to change once I left my career to become an expat wife.  And not because my husband asked me to, but because I acknowledged and recognized I needed to.  (Again, a habit book really helps.)

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Living in the UK is more expensive and with one salary, we are far more mindful of living expenses and petty purchases. And even if it wasn’t, I’d still struggle with the fact I don’t have my own income because it’s new territory for me.

Financial dependence doesn’t mean that I don’t have the occasional splurge. The thing is, I don’t need approval from anyone, but myself.

And that’s hard when you’ve set expectations about yourself from a very early age.  It’s not an easy adjustment but it will come.

I still need the occasional push, but when I allow myself permission to spend money I am far more invested and happy than I imagined I’d be.

Final Thoughts On Being An Expat Wife & How To Be Happy

Planning, a routine, and finding purpose in projects I personally own allow me to be my own boss. Adding value to my family and tinkering with projects I never dreamed of pursuing makes this expat wife job pretty darn cool.

In fact, I’d say that I love being an expat wife.

Once you allow yourself to open up to what could be vs what was, it’s an amazing journey. Giving yourself permission to be the expat wife is more than ok.  It’s awesome.

If this is helpful but you need more, get my guide to transitioning to a stay-at-home mom.

For the complete “how to do England” – from deciding to move and how to be happy once living there, use my Moving To England Workbook.

Looking for more expat support?  Try these.

• 11 Awesome Gifts For Expat Kids
• Expat Moms: Why You Need A Selfish Girls Trip
• Sign up to get my FREE 24 steps to transitioning to a SAHM