A question I get all the time is, “Do you feel settled?” It’s almost like talking about the English weather. Wherever I go it is guaranteed to be part of the conversation. Even now, more than 6 months later since I arrived in the UK, the topic of how to feel settled after moving is an inquisitive topic. The difference between those early arrival days and now is that I’m past the 6-month mark – or more specifically the phases of culture shock. I can easily answer the question without first swallowing the lump in my throat. If you’ve recently moved abroad or plan to, here 5 phases of culture shock and the time it takes to feel settled.
Phases Of Culture Shock After A Move Abroad
Phases can be more or less but after moving many times and this move abroad, I’ve categorized the culture shock phases into 4 categories: the new phase, the questioning phase, the homesick phase, and the “Yay, I sorta feel at home phase”.
1 – The Newness
Immediately upon arrival in your new hometown, you’ll feel heroic. A sense of accomplishment and success will overcome you. You’ve worked so incredibly hard over the last several months to make it happen. Your family arrived in one piece and your dog is unfazed by the travel. You can finally relax and pat yourself on the back. That feeling of weight will escape your shoulders and you can sleep in for a change.
The first month is a sponge month. You’ll start recognizing differences all around you. From learning to look right vs. left when crossing the road, to the clothes and shoes that people wear, it’ll be fascinating.
You’ll start mentally listing all the cool and different things you see to share with family and friends back home. The grocery stores alone are a wealth of storytelling, as you try to decipher if coriander is really cilantro.
2 – Your Purpose – What am I going to do now?
By month 2, your husband nails his commute and starts a more regular work day since there are fewer things for him to establish at home (ie, bank account, insurance numbers, etc). The school run starts to feel less foreign and your children know where to go without you escorting them to their classroom. This is when you start to question your purpose.
You feel guilty for shopping or spending money because you aren’t working anymore. You wonder if you should search for a job or something part-time to earn an income and keep your mind sharp. Then you remind yourself of your children and that they need you more than ever now. Besides, this is the opportunity you were seeking, right? Why would you only give yourself 2 months to adjust to a new situation or the stay-at-home mom thing? Instead, you keep yourself busy with ongoing moving in tasks to not allow yourself to mentally go there…
And then, wham!
3 – The Homesickness
You’re homesick. Your kids are homesick. The newness has worn off by the 3rd month and you are really wondering why you thought moving was a good idea. You reach out to friends to help you through moments of loneliness and wine comes out at 5 pm sharp.
You try really hard to stay positive in front of your husband and your kids. You end up having awkward conversations and relying on WhatsApp to help with the homesickness. You think going back home to visit is a good idea, but then it just starts the cycle over again. I know, because we took the kids to Maine to visit family for Christmas. It took 2 extra weeks to recover from that.
4 – A Routine Is Established
Your day starts becoming a routine and the drives to school on the opposite side of the road or single carriageway roads don’t frighten you quite as much. You insert yourself into uncomfortable situations to make a friend or two or at least try. The 4th month doesn’t quite feel at home yet, but you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
By the 5th month:
You’ve put yourself out there enough that you are no longer the unfamiliar new mom at drop off or neighbor across the street.
You stop questioning what you’re plans are for the week because you have a list prepared and even a coffee date or two.
You have an established meal plan for the week, incorporating traditions, and know exactly what days you’ll head to the gym.
There are still a few stragglers from moving that haven’t quite allowed you to cut the cord, but you’re beyond the homesickness and fear that you and your husband made the wrong decision.
5 – At Home
Alas, you’re settled! The 6th month removes any doubt of feeling settled. You have a routine, your kids aren’t homesick anymore, your husband is more established in his new position, and you’ve made a few friends you can rely on.
At this point you’ve found a babysitter, a backup emergency contact for your kid’s school, you’re ready to lay out your next 3 years of bucket-list items and you’ve forgotten how much you miss your HEB.
In fact, you’ll stop comparing products to what you’re used to at home, or doing the conversion for the cost of a cup of coffee in your head. (Or converting butter for that matter!)
Home will now be referred to where you are vs. where you were. And that is when you’ll know you made it.
Final Tips On Dealing With Phases Of Culture Shock
Don’t fight it. It’s natural to feel all the different emotions. Moving abroad involves going through the culture shock phases and some will likely last longer than others, especially if you are on the fence with the move to begin with. I know because Oregon took me 2 years.
Just have the courage to ask someone before you move so you’re in the proper mindset. After all, you are not alone. Like so many others, they are feeling or will feel the same way you will when you make the move.
There will be lows when you’re in the midst of it, but when you near the end, you’ll know when you can confidently answer the question: “Yes, I’m settled.”
Have you gone through the phases of culture shock? Share in the comments.
Looking for ways to get settled after moving? Try these.
- Expat Wife: 5 Steps That Led To My Acceptance
- 6 Fab Essentials Every Expat Woman Needs
- Need a new meal plan for a week? Try my week of easy (and healthy) recipes with kids
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